On Raising Kids

My Pen Mates,

I once sat across a room from an accomplished gentleman and his wife. Both retired with two adult children, theirs was a story of marital unity, consistency, hard work, and sacrifice. Having admired their beautiful home in the Los Gatos Hills, its twenty-foot ornate ceilings, eight car garage (and its latest resident: Jaguar convertible), what struck me was their self-deprecating humor and ability to explain away seemingly complex life issues in very simple terms.

Inevitably, the conversation settled around children and raising a family. Their story started by driving to California from the Midwest in an old station wagon when their youngest was in diapers. With smarts, good breaks, and perseverance, the gentleman worked his way up the corporate ladder and retired as V-P with H-P during the dot boom years. During all this time, he and his wife raised their kids and abided by two self-defined tenets. The first is that the only things they can leave their children that will never get lost are good habits and good memories. The second is that in areas of discipline, decisions reached by both parents are not negotiable, regardless of whether it turns out to be in error after the fact.

The first is so simple but indisputable. Raise the kids by demonstrating good examples, discipline, and thoughtful directions and they develop good habits they'll always possess. Expose them to familial examples of domestic harmony, indoor and outdoor activity, and common interest projects, and it will remain in memory for future reference and establishing an activity template.

But the second caused me to pause. They gave me this dotting smile like it's not the first time they have elicited the look I had on my face. They explained that raising children is not an exact science and no playbook exists. Being so, they agreed that as parents, they will be anchors to which the family ship will be tethered. The kids can frolic and discover but never stray beyond the zone that the anchor defines. Having set the rules and criteria by which actions will be judged, their principle requires that exceptions will be refused. They were not always right, but their children learned that they will be judged according to the rules that have already been laid.

Changing their minds to them meant encouraging young minds to find creative ways to lie and deceive. Allowing room to reconsider meant that the underlying principle was flawed to begin with and even the parent was unsure of its veracity. So to keep it simple, the parents deliberate, then the law is passed. It could turn out that they made the wrong call and the child can gloat, but the child learns that the parent will stand on principle if they strongly believe that they are right. The idea being to cause the child to pause before engaging in any outside activity, or completely think a proposal through before obtaining parental concurrence.

Hard to argue with retired people with smiles on their faces, especially after they have shared a nugget I never would have found on my own.

Mon