From Darkness, Light

From Darkness, Light
My Pen Mates,

The age of innocence does not exist until viewed in hindsight. Those years which we label as such are products of nostalgia; glowing reminiscences of youthful years, sweetened by a seeming lack of complexity and a limitless amount of tomorrows.

Yet there were dark days even then. When one lived in the moment, periods of longing and sadness did overwhelm-- did usurp ones ability to reason, to cope, to hope. Then the moment passes. Through perseverance, faith, or both, life goes on. Sometimes grotesquely damaged, sometimes strengthened. But the tomorrows keep on coming despite our struggles. We reach that luxurious moment when we can call the past the golden years, of simple living, of freedom and energy.

When I became a parent I held no such perspective. I derived joy from the simple proximity of my family and the opportunity to be active with them, to share knowledge, nourishment and laughter. My kids are now in their teenage years and I enjoy them more than ever. But now I look back to when I was their age (due perhaps to some wisdom that comes with my personal journey to middle age), and remember that it was not so simple back then for me. It wasn't because my life was especially complicated or hard, just that I saw life through my personal prism which at that point was unfocused and yes, immature. So I had struggles which to me were far from trivial, at least with my as of yet poorly developed coping mechanism. Even my mistakes were not easily labeled as such. I believe I was not the only adolescent who lived the irony of digging deeper to find oneself, not realizing that I was creating a whole that starts swallowing me. Then the confusion and isolation sets in and the darkness overcomes. And it was sad and lonely. It was draining, boring, frustrating and mind-bogglingly senseless. Of course I did not reflect like this back then; I was trapped in my hole of immaturity and swimming in a sludge of unsettled hormones and various other chemical imbalances that floods youth. To me, it was just a series of issues and problems that bore down on me in waves I could not anticipate or figure out. I was in the dark and could not see beyond tomorrow, which as life would have it, kept coming and made me stronger and wiser. The light did come, although from where, was another question which the young will never find time to ask.

So here's the answer: in the moments when all there was was darkness within and questions without, a child who's loved remains a light who illuminates the hearts of his/her parents. Even during the dullest, most sullen moments, this child serves as a beacon whose presence reveals the shapes and figures of the rest of the world that allows the parents to navigate with hope and confidence. Even the shadows that the child's light creates assists in avoiding traps and missteps. It is this power to shed light even as they experience darkness within that allows a child, even innocent and immature, to reach tomorrow. And while the tomorrows that follow does erase the innocence, it is replaced in adulthood by an ability to see light where there seem to be only darkness. The power of a child to light up the world, is the one true gift that proves the meek are indeed blessed.

Mon

Discern

Discern
My Pen Mates,

Loaded some boxes in the back of the van this morning, bulk mail for processing for the church's Christmas collection. As I drove away, I looked at the rear-view mirror and had to do a double take; I initially thought the mirror was in the "dim" position, that which allows you to reduce the glare from the headlights of the car behind you. Reason was I could not see beyond the rear windshield because the reflection of the boxes on the floor behind the back seat filled the view. After jiggling the mirror and determining that it was in its regular position, I looked with a little more attention and things seemed okay -again. Seems like the angle of the glass and the color of the boxes plays a trick on the eye and I had to see beyond that to discern the cars behind me. For the rest of the ride, I found it curious that what I saw in the mirror depended on what I wanted to pay attention to; I could just as clearly determine if my cargo has shifted by focusing on the reflection, or whether a car is riding my gate by concentrating on the road behind me.

Now, by any measure, this is a trite observation not worthy of mention. All it is is a curious incident, one of those micro-fragments of everyone's waking moment that serves to keep the mind attentive. As pertains to how an insignificant event should be cause for reflection, I find it helpful to somehow find a simile between this and the way we look at life in general. It's nothing so deep that it's not been said before, but truly this is affirmation that what we see is a matter of choice. What draws our attention and what we choose to focus on can occupy the same space. Their mutual relevance may be non-existent, but to us as the observer, the juxtaposition can be ignored, observed, or as in this case, related to. Taking this meditation further, such is the germ from which progress grows: anyone making an association between disparate objects or ideas and finding a product of benefit is rewarded for making the connection. The mind processes it cognitively, and anyone who's ever fallen in love will admit that the heart does the same.....

Mon

Fogged In

Fogged In


My Pen Mates,

Missed my wedding anniversary, and my daughter's birthday before that. Then my birthday, and my brother's birthday came and went with nary an acknowledgment in this blog. Halloween's around the corner, so that means my parents' anniversary and my sister's birthday has come and gone; more dates I usually find time to reflect on but missed out blogging on this time around.

My NP insists my diet and exercise regimen needs a boost from the statin family; that without drugs mitigating my systemic proclivity to produce the bad cholesterol, I'm a "ticking time bomb". I could have done without the cliche.

Other things have occurred within the last three months. I've had to move the business (again) as a cost-cutting measure. Lease was up for renewal and the wise move was to cut the excessive overhead and relocate to more business friendly confines. I had to trade more room and greater privacy for better foot-traffic, but the decision was necessary. Hope it works out.

The decline in business prospects has lead to me consider a career change as well. I've been working on obtaining copies of my College Transcripts to have it evaluated by a Nursing school counselor to see if I have enough credits to make going back to school a viable project. I can't be idle, and if the time requirement looks reasonable, who knows?

Between back-breaking labor and general ennui_sprinkled over moments of self-reflection and yes, self-doubt_are periods of utter resignation and fear. The what-ifs overcame me; the imponderables nipped at my heels at every turn. When I steeled myself and focused on the positive, when I hoped beyond hope that things will change for the better, the tiny nagging smirk reminding me of the fragility of my condition still drew my attention! I meditated, I prayed, I exercised, I studied, did mental drills, ate healthy food, spent quality time with my family, performed simple manageable tasks both at home and work_ anything to take my mind off the funk it's in_ anything to mend my heart and will it to beat without distrust.

And today I'm willing myself to accept that I can overcome my trials and prevail over my challenges. There will never be an end to life's troubles_ true of my life and every one else's_ but we can choose to let go of the troubles that enslave us. We can do right by our own values and still get wrong/undesirable outcomes. It's not punishment for misdeeds, just lessons and opportunities to make better choices the next time around. And everything, everything, always comes back around.

When the fog does come descending again, maybe my experience from this current crisis of confidence will result in a faster rebound. As with time, I have to keep marching on. Age may make the knees weaker, but the march can only make the legs stronger.

I'm back to keep trudging on.

Mon

Unfulfilled Shadow

Unfulfilled Shadow

My Pen Mates,

It didn't belong there, but it was not unexpected; a shallow pool of water around a drinking fountain on a hot July afternoon. The playground's play structure just re-opened after a major upgrade, and kids from the neighborhood with parents in tow have been converging on the place every afternoon for the last three weeks. Replacing the sand lot with bouncy, shredded rubber and adding a faux rock-climbing wall, plus a separate mini-complex for toddlers to five-year-olds, made the new park a hit at every age level.

I found myself seated on a concrete bench some distance from the play structures, fifteen feet from said puddle. The seven o'clock sun is still way above the horizon and its full reflection is squarely on my face. I would have moved to another bench, but from where I sat, I get a full view of the play areas, where Lauren was gleefully engaged in meeting new friends and interacting with old ones. I could have moved to the shade of a tree too, but thought better of it after an idea came to me.

With the sun above and its reflection on the ground, it occurred to me that I have to have cast a shadow on the ground behind me, and another that's projected upward into space. I turned around and there was my silhouette on the gravel, long now because of the sun's position on the horizon. Then I look up at the sky to see if cloud cover has (at least in principle), served to catch my shadow in the air....

Blue skies.

Again, in theory, my shadow would have endlessly traveled in space until it's projected onto something to show my profile based on the reflection from the puddle.

Aimless, idle imaginings of someone who's passing time watching children play. But even as Lauren intermittently called out "Dad!" so show me her monkey-bar tricks to jolt me back to the present, I flicked back to my musings just as easily, and marveled at the myriad possibilities of existence and the number of options to contemplate the present. How for instance, I could have interpreted the moment as an exercise in physics_ when I should have avoided double exposure to the sun's rays_ is something unique to my personality. It doesn't make me intuitive or smart, it just makes me me.

But that shadow in the sky is a simile of certain things we have in life. We know a shadow would be there in principle, evidenced by the linearity of light rays through space. We may not see the actual image, but theory affirms our hypothesis. As in life, we know certain things without necessarily witnessing the proof. Loving our children for example does not produce a tangible outcome that's directly attributable to the emotion. But how they exist in the world long after we no longer have any influence, is a direct result of that "sunshine" that at one time we shone on them. That love will be projected on their object of passion, or forever travel across the vastness of humanity and touch multiple lives. Because of our mortality, we may not see that shadow which proves what we know to be there, but faith in its existence assures the heart that it's there for the worlds benefit.....

Before I knew it, the sun has gone down a bit lower in the sky and its reflection on the puddle no longer shone on me. The moment has passed. Now I can see more of the playground without the glare. I miss the experience even as I was relieved of the momentary discomfort. My shadow will be up there somewhere. I know that even without seeing it.

Mon