My Pen Mates,
Men are created to be fathers; not all become so, and some are labeled as such but undeservedly so. I guess the measure of deserving the title is if a child keeps a memory of a shared experience-- positive or negative-- with the male influence in his/her life. But even with such a broad criteria, male parents will invariably fail to qualify as a father.
My aspiration as a parent is to become a better father to my children than my own father was to me. That's not to imply in any way that I have been deprived of a good relationship with my Dad. He raised me the best way he could, with the simple philosophy of being available to my family, and imparting wisdom at every turn. One could infer from the manner I grew up as a man that I had guidance, a strong role model, and imbued with fundamental principles as befitting an observed childhood. It was by no means ideal, as no family environment is ever apt to be, but I can heap more praise than criticism with my Dad's parenting style.
It's perhaps my own shortcomings as a father that makes me look for inadequacies in the way I was raised. Perhaps I seek absolution from my failings by tracing my weaknesses to gaps in my perception of a perfect father. This is manifest in many ways; I strive to spend as much time with my children in compensation for those days that my father spent on the road away from home. In hindsight, the weekends we shared seem inadequate, and my tutelage too often interrupted. There must be a deep, insecure longing I have harbored all these years that makes me compensate for it with my own children. Whatever it's cause, I feel that I am doing better in this regard; right or wrong, I feel justified in maintaining this proximity. I also tend to over-lecture and over-explain. Having always been inquisitive, I've always initiated conversations and posted a lot of queries of my Dad; so much so that it's frustrating when my own children lean towards reflection than inquiry. "Be curious!" I always instruct them to be. I wish them to ask more questions, to be critical thinkers not by introspection but constant experimentation. I encourage them to make their own mistakes rather than watch others make theirs. To dare and do rather than watch and wonder. In the process perhaps I am accelerating their growth, or stunting their maturity clock. It's hard to say but I am doing the best I can. Could it be that my father went through the same philosophical anxiety while raising me?
Well into fatherhood, it's just now that I truly appreciate and respect what my father has done for me. The unspoken lessons resonate in my ear more clearly than his verbal answers to my questions. He did the best he could given the life circumstance he inhabited during his time. As I inhabit my own unique life situation now, I realize that I CAN become a better father to my children not by setting a different course, nor defiance of the principles I've witnessed, but by living in the moment, and showing love the way my heart dictates.
Mon
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