My Pen Mates,
Missed my wedding anniversary, and my daughter's birthday before that. Then my birthday, and my brother's birthday came and went with nary an acknowledgment in this blog. Halloween's around the corner, so that means my parents' anniversary and my sister's birthday has come and gone; more dates I usually find time to reflect on but missed out blogging on this time around.
My NP insists my diet and exercise regimen needs a boost from the statin family; that without drugs mitigating my systemic proclivity to produce the bad cholesterol, I'm a "ticking time bomb". I could have done without the cliche.
Other things have occurred within the last three months. I've had to move the business (again) as a cost-cutting measure. Lease was up for renewal and the wise move was to cut the excessive overhead and relocate to more business friendly confines. I had to trade more room and greater privacy for better foot-traffic, but the decision was necessary. Hope it works out.
The decline in business prospects has lead to me consider a career change as well. I've been working on obtaining copies of my College Transcripts to have it evaluated by a Nursing school counselor to see if I have enough credits to make going back to school a viable project. I can't be idle, and if the time requirement looks reasonable, who knows?
Between back-breaking labor and general ennui_sprinkled over moments of self-reflection and yes, self-doubt_are periods of utter resignation and fear. The what-ifs overcame me; the imponderables nipped at my heels at every turn. When I steeled myself and focused on the positive, when I hoped beyond hope that things will change for the better, the tiny nagging smirk reminding me of the fragility of my condition still drew my attention! I meditated, I prayed, I exercised, I studied, did mental drills, ate healthy food, spent quality time with my family, performed simple manageable tasks both at home and work_ anything to take my mind off the funk it's in_ anything to mend my heart and will it to beat without distrust.
And today I'm willing myself to accept that I can overcome my trials and prevail over my challenges. There will never be an end to life's troubles_ true of my life and every one else's_ but we can choose to let go of the troubles that enslave us. We can do right by our own values and still get wrong/undesirable outcomes. It's not punishment for misdeeds, just lessons and opportunities to make better choices the next time around. And everything, everything, always comes back around.
When the fog does come descending again, maybe my experience from this current crisis of confidence will result in a faster rebound. As with time, I have to keep marching on. Age may make the knees weaker, but the march can only make the legs stronger.
I'm back to keep trudging on.
Mon
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