My Pen Mates,
I'm hoping it's chemical; that something I ate or in my system is giving me this uneasy, disjointed feeling. That will be easier to deal with than to have a disturbance in my head which distracts rational thought. If it's the strong coffee I just had, then the jitters are welcome since I know the cause. If it's a mild case of exposure to virus, that's okay too for certainly it will come to pass. I guess my greater fear is finding myself in a spiral of worry which I cannot attribute to something organic. It's like having something over my head; there's nothing there and yet it's distracting...
Relating this condition to a customer today, she coyly teased that it sounds like a once-a-month thing. I gamely replied that I'm almost menopausal age, to which she said it might be mid-life crisis. Whatever it is, I am making horrid associations with internal turmoils of youthful years which I don't care for much. Time was when actions and inaction I made led to forgettable and sometimes regrettable outcomes that makes moments like these at this stage in my life all the more disturbing. Is it all recycling, and if it is, is this a test of whether I've learned from lessons past or am I condemned to repeat the same mistakes? It hasn't reached a point of keeping me up at night as it once did. But the stakes now are higher, and the recovery period is definitely shorter. I'm relying a lot on faith now, when I used to just trust in my ability to conform in the past. I don't know which of the two will serve my interest this time around, but I am truly disturbed that I am not more adept at getting past this uneasiness. That's why I am hoping that it's all caused by something physical rather than mental.
If I were to set out in life and design through imagination what I want to be doing in life, I could truly claim that I am currently living it. I am loving a wonderful wife and spending time with truly lovable children. My struggles are from without rather than internal, and my times have been spent thinking of ways to improve my relationships, my self, and my life condition. There is always time for self-examination, leisure, and yes, pain and recovery. All in all, it is a very ordinary yet desirable existence. Should it be enough, or am I underachieving? Or is all this a futile exercise in self-justification, a waste of time which should be devoted to something more novel? If each day is a crossroad, how far back should I look to find a better path than that which I'm currently on? Perhaps there was once a fork in the road where I traded material wealth for intellectual need and internal peace. And yet, moments bringing about my current state of mind puts into question where that fork was, or even which one I actually took!
The questions never cease and the answers are elusive. Knowing that my heart is in the right place is reassuring_ even as my mind races through peaks and valleys filled with anxieties and longings. I pray, and I give thanks. I love through this life. Every instinct I have tells me that that is the righteous path; and though I'm pulled and pushed aside by unbeknownst causes as I am now, I await the next cycle when I will once more, not doubt.
Ray
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