My Pen Mates,
At a certain point, one becomes more aware of the bigger picture by sheer force of experience and the barrage of changes that occurs in the course of a lifetime. I believe that I am at that crossroad. It's not that I've slowed to allow that voice to be heard, but the breadth of my experience truly allows me to hear the message through the filter of maturity.
Gung-ho was a good way to describe the way I've moved forward in life. Although I was never a physical force to be an athlete at any level, I've always leaned towards a spirit of abandon when I set my mind on an interest or goal. Impulse was my trigger and was seldom held back by an abundance of forethought. I am where I am because I operated with a tuned balance between gut and confidence in my assessment of facts and conditions. It has now reached a point when I need and have to pause to hear the words in my ear.
Of late I have become more apprehensive and nervous of the future. A lot of things contribute to this sense of trepidation, but reaching middle-age, taking into account a young and growing family, preparing for the children's greater needs while maintaining healthy relationships, have caused shifts in the way I visit my situation and perhaps this has sharpened my consciousness of the voice within. I've always been spiritual and prayerful, I believe in the power of the Spirit within me and the presence of forces around me--incomprehensible but absolutely real-- that affect these changes and direct me to think and feel the way I do. I've wondered if it's conscience but it seems more than that. I worried that I am finally losing steam and am actually walking towards the sunset, but that doesn't seem accurate either. I just believe that there is an actual, audible whisper that I need to pay closer attention to. That doing so will set things right and restore a path I have lost sight of or have strayed away from. Am I searching on a conscious level? Not deliberately. Am I desperate? Far from it. It just seems that I am at the threshold of some major change, and that what's required is more trust in the emergence of something good that's beyond my control, and my willingness to be guided and be thrust into the flow by being keen to my evolving will. It's like running waist deep downriver; it sweeps you in it's power but you still need to move your feet so you don't fall and get dragged in the flow without participation. It is a complex feeling.
Mon
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